Vulnerable Men: Life Before and After Marriage

Introduction

Marriage is often seen as a beautiful bond that ties two people together for a lifetime. For many, it’s the beginning of a journey filled with love, companionship, and shared dreams. However, it’s also a transition that brings its own set of challenges for both the husband and wife. While society often empathizes with the girl for leaving her family and adapting to a new environment, it seldom acknowledges the struggles a boy faces. He is expected to balance between his wife and parents, meet everyone’s expectations, and maintain peace at home—all while suppressing his own feelings.

Hi, my name is Preet. I’m 29 years old, born and brought up in Hoshiarpur, Punjab. Currently, I live in Hyderabad with my wife. Like many others, I’m a software engineer, working in the IT industry. Today, I want to share my personal experience about life before and after marriage, focusing on the challenges men face in balancing relationships and expectations.

My Story

I come from a small, close-knit Sikh family. I have an elder brother who lives with my parents in Hoshiarpur. When he got married, we were all overjoyed. We welcomed his wife into our family with open hearts, hoping she would become an integral part of our lives. Initially, everything seemed perfect. My sister-in-law, a Hindu by religion, had taken a bold step by marrying into a Sikh family despite resistance from her parents. We admired her courage and respected her faith.

However, things changed as time went on.

The Shift in Dynamics

After a few months, we noticed that my sister-in-law started withdrawing from the family. She spent most of her time in her room, avoided family conversations, and seemed distant. My parents tried their best to make her feel comfortable, but she didn’t reciprocate. My mom, a loving and non-confrontational person, often blamed herself, wondering if she had unknowingly hurt her feelings.

To make matters worse, my brother remained passive. He neither took the initiative to address the growing distance between his wife and our family nor attempted to bridge the gap. This created a toxic environment at home. My parents felt ignored, and my sister-in-law seemed unhappy, yet no one communicated openly about their feelings.

My Own Struggles

When I got married, I thought my wife and I would manage things differently. We moved to Hyderabad for work, away from my family, which reduced the chances of direct conflicts. However, I soon realized that even from a distance, maintaining harmony wasn’t easy. My wife, though loving and supportive, often got irritated when my parents called me frequently or expressed opinions about our life choices.

As someone who deeply loves both my parents and my wife, I found myself stuck in a difficult position. If I supported my parents, my wife felt I wasn’t prioritizing her. If I sided with my wife, my parents felt neglected. The pressure to keep everyone happy began to take a toll on my mental health.

The Double Standards

One thing I’ve observed is the double standards in how we perceive relationships. Society often expects the boy’s family to adapt to the girl’s way of life after marriage. Yet, the same society doesn’t emphasize the importance of the girl adapting to her husband’s family.

For example, if my parents advised my sister-in-law to follow a family tradition, it was labeled as interference. But if her parents offered similar advice, it was considered guidance. It’s unfair how we fail to see the sacrifices and efforts a boy’s parents make to welcome a new member into their family.

The Emotional Toll on Men

People rarely talk about the emotional challenges men face after marriage. As a husband, you’re expected to provide for your family, fulfill your wife’s desires, and simultaneously care for your parents. You’re constantly torn between two equally important parts of your life, yet you can’t openly express your struggles because society expects you to “man up.”

The truth is, men also feel vulnerable. We also get hurt when our efforts go unrecognized, and we also crave emotional support. But unfortunately, we are often left to deal with our struggles alone.

A Message to Girls

Dear girls,

Marriage is not just about two people; it’s about two families coming together. While it’s true that you leave your home to start a new life, remember that your husband’s parents also make sacrifices to welcome you into their lives.

Here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. Communication is Key: Don’t hesitate to share your feelings with your husband and in-laws. Most conflicts arise from misunderstandings that could easily be resolved through honest conversations.

2. Empathy Works Both Ways: Just as you expect your in-laws to understand you, try to understand their perspective too. They’ve lived a certain way for years, and change doesn’t come overnight.

3. Build Relationships Gradually: Take small steps to bond with your husband’s family. Whether it’s helping your mother-in-law in the kitchen or joining family discussions, these gestures can make a big difference.

4. Appreciate Your Husband’s Efforts: Recognize the efforts your husband makes to balance both sides. A little appreciation can go a long way in strengthening your relationship.

A Message to Boys

Dear boys,

Balancing your wife and parents is undoubtedly challenging, but it’s a responsibility you cannot avoid. Here’s how you can navigate this journey:

1. Be a Mediator, Not a Spectator: Don’t stay silent when conflicts arise. Take the initiative to resolve misunderstandings and ensure both sides feel heard.

2. Set Boundaries Respectfully: Establish healthy boundaries between your wife and parents. Make sure they understand that respecting each other’s space is crucial for a harmonious relationship.

3. Express Your Feelings: Don’t suppress your emotions. Share your struggles with your wife and parents, and let them know you need their support too.

4. Invest in Your Marriage: Remember that your wife is your life partner. Spend quality time with her, show her you value her opinions, and build a relationship based on trust and mutual respect.

The Bigger Picture

Marriage is not just about love; it’s about partnership, compromise, and growth. Both husband and wife need to work together to create a happy and balanced life. Instead of competing for attention or control, try to build a home where everyone feels valued and respected.

At the same time, parents also need to let go of certain expectations and give their children the freedom to build their own lives. It’s a delicate balance, but it’s not impossible to achieve with understanding and effort.

Conclusion

As I reflect on my own experiences, I realize that the key to a successful marriage lies in mutual respect and open communication. While it’s easy to point fingers and assign blame, true growth comes from introspection and a willingness to adapt.

To all the boys out there, don’t hesitate to stand up for your wife when needed, but also don’t forget the love and sacrifices of your parents. To all the girls, embrace your new family with an open heart, just as you expect your husband to embrace yours.

Marriage is not about two individuals; it’s about two souls and their families coming together. Let’s not make it a battlefield but a beautiful journey of togetherness.